


jigsaw puzzles

by notyouricon



Series: indescribable feelings (stray kids) [3]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Emotions, Hurt/Comfort, Lee Felix does not deserve this, Lee Felix-centric, Panic Attacks, The Author Regrets Everything, Worry, i swear i love him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-20 00:20:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17011923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notyouricon/pseuds/notyouricon
Summary: monachopsis; noun;the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place





	jigsaw puzzles

it had been there all week, all month, practically all year. felix knew he was overreacting, but he just felt the little switch in the back of his head get stuck and he couldn't stop thinking about it. the other boys, they all fit so well, and sure he got along with them, they were like family. but the little voice in the back of his head nagged at him, and he felt the building storm that was going to break loose.

he didn't tell anyone, why would he? it would just make him feel more like an alien to them. he doubted they would care, understand, or even listen. he knew he was being unreasonable, but he just didn't fit. it felt like he was trying to force a wrong puzzle piece into place. he worked ten times harder just to keep up, always trying to improve himself, keep up to their standards. hours spent in the studio, music thrumming out of the speakers as he freestyled or worked on choreographies. every spare moment working on lyrics or vocal training. any free second he had was dedicated to trying to fit into place.

it hadn't been this bad at first, just a slight blur of 'what am i doing here' smudged on his mind, like steam over a mirror. then slowly it grew, never letting up. it wasn't harsh pressure on him, but it was a start for him to feel it. the need to catch up, and try not to fall behind. the fans relied on him, the members relied on him, the company relied on him. he could not let them down. but he let himself down every day.

you don't belong here. you don't work hard enough. why don't you just give up?

whispers, when he walked into a room, were always the first things felix noticed. the way people seemed to shut up when he turned the corner. or the way they looked at him. it felt like he was being put on display, a freak for all to see and observe. he gave up eating lunch simply so he didn't have to sit in the cafeteria, he skipped breakfast to avoid the questioning glances that his members would send him. it hurt, how could they all leave him waiting? he knew they wanted him gone, so why not just kick him out already.

 

*`*`*`*

 

jisung had been the first to notice the shift, the change in his friend's behavior. he took note of how felix was the first one to get to the studio and often the last to leave. he saw when felix frowned at himself in the mirror, saw how felix shook himself off, ignoring whatever was bugging him. but jisung was affected too, they were friends, right? why wouldn't felix just tell him what was going on? he confided in changbin first, knowing that the other would possibly help him.

"hyung, there's something wrong with lix, he's not himself lately."

"yeah, i saw that. he hasn't been eating as much lately, maybe he's stressed?" the older of the two wondered aloud.

 

*`*`*`*

 

it had been a long day, a long night in fact. felix had spent almost all night, from nine till about six in the morning at the practice rooms. it was safe to say that he was thoroughly exhausted, and with the lack of food except for half of the protein bar he had found at the bottom of his duffle, his energy was drained. he simply wasn't prepared for the welcoming committee that greeted him as he walked through the door at seven in the morning. all of the members, save seungmin and jeongin, were sat on the couch and in the armchairs waiting for him, matching frowns on their faces.

it dawned on him that the moment he had felt coming was actually happening, he was being kicked out. they just didn't want him here anymore, with how he lagged behind and didn't fit in.

he didn't particularly know what he wanted to say, or if he wanted to say anything, but chan beat him to it. "lix, we need to talk to you. about some stuff, we've been noticing these last few weeks." oh god, this was it? he could feel the thrum of nervousness creeping through his heart, fingers tingling slightly as he left his face blank.

"you're kicking me out, aren't you?" the words escape his lips before he can think to stop him, his breathing shaky as he reaches up to tug at his shirt. he felt like he was being crushed, he knew this would happen, it was a given. he didn't belong here. the looks on their faces only worried him more, and he felt his chest tighten as he struggled to come up with a thought, he was blank.

 

*`*`*`*

 

chan jumped up when felix froze, worry painting his face, did felix really think that he was getting kicked out of the group? that couldn't be true, it just couldn't. but the younger boy seemed to think it was, with the way he was panicking. chan looked over towards woojin, seeing his own worry reflected back at him. he was surprised when someone that wasn't him jumped into action, moving with quick steps towards felix.

minho had seen his fair share of stress and nerves, but this seemed to beat all of it out. he was quick to try and get the smaller boy down to the ground so that he couldn't collapse and get hurt. "felix, we aren't kicking you out. why would we do that?" he watched as the younger just shook his head, clenching his eyes shut. the mumbles that he was trying to voice were so muddled and hardly audible. the boy seemed so fragile, so small, shrunken in on himself, and his bones felt like they were sticking out ever so slightly, how had they not seen it sooner?

 

*`*`*`*

 

 

felix tried to tell them, no i'm not good enough, i don't work well here. he couldn't even breathe properly, damn it! felix felt his knees hit the ground, and panicked, how did he get here? what was happening? he could feel himself falling, he was just too tired, he couldn't stop anything. he could feel footsteps approaching himself, and he curled into a ball, they couldn't see him like this, they would hate him even more.

he cried as they pulled him from his place, tugging his hands down to his sides and away from where that had reached up to cover his face. shaking as someone held his head in their lap, voices hushed as they whispered. he listened when they told him to breathe, listened to their worried reassurances, felt himself drift somewhere a little less harsh in his mind as they held him there, laid out on the floor.

 

*`*`*`*

 

about an hour later felix was passed out in a bed, two older boys curled around him as he slept. four others convened in the kitchen faces still painted with worry as they discussed what had happened, what had been said. 

_how long has this been happening?_

_did you see anything?_

_i thought he was just stressed, not this._

_how did we not notice him falling apart?_

 

*`*`*`*

 

they found the journal later, the one that felix had tried to keep hidden away. they read his words, they cried, and they comforted him. he wasn't a wrong piece. he wasn't alone, he belonged here, with them, he was part of their lives now. 

**Author's Note:**

> yes the ending is lame as shit,,, i was feeling a bit blocked.


End file.
